


...and I Swear I have Never Felt More in Love

by kellycat394



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Abusive Naomi, Abusive Parents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Castiel, Depressed Dean, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay Castiel, I know it seems sad, Implications of smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, No Smut, Openly Bisexual Dean Winchester, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, but it will get happier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-06 01:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kellycat394/pseuds/kellycat394
Summary: Castiel's life could not get any worse.  After he came out to his very religious family, they alienated him, and now he has no friends.  That is, until Dean Winchester enters into his life, and things start to look brighter.This is my first fanfiction so don't judge me please





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel slammed the snooze button and pulled a pillow over his head, trying to sink back into sleep, into the wonderful dream and escape the world for just a little bit longer.  The dream had made him feel better than he had for a while, and he wished he could go back, even for a moment.  After a failed attempt at falling back to sleep, his alarm clock went off again, and Castiel gave up on trying to go back to sleep.  His nose alerted him to breakfast downstairs, which meant he should have been down there fifteen  minutes ago, already ready for school.  He sat up in his tousled bed and stretched before making his way into the bathroom for a shower.  

As he stepped into the shower, Castiel continued pondering his recent dream.  It had featured another boy, but his face was hard to make out, and as Castiel was waking up, the memory of him was fading even more; however, there was something familiar about him, as if Castiel had met him before.  Castiel dismissed the thought.  How could he remember someone that he could not even see properly, much less in a dream?

The dark-haired boy finished his shower, and dressed himself for school, choosing a random t-shirt and tight jeans, before he made his way downstairs for breakfast.  Family breakfast was very important to his mother, Naomi, but it was something Castiel wanted nothing more than to avoid.  His parents had made it very apparent since he was little that he was their least favourite of their five children, and ever since the incident, his mother openly targeted him whenever possible.  The only member of the family that actually appeared to have any fondness for Castiel was Gabriel, his older brother, who was currently sitting at the table quietly conversing with Hannah, Castiel's only sister.  The rest of his family were on various electronics, totally ignoring each other.

As Castiel sat down, he tried to sink into his seat, an attempt to not draw unwanted attention to himself.  He quietly ate his breakfast, not looking up from his plate whatsoever.  It was all in vain, however, when his mother spoke up.

"Castiel Novak," her voice, colored with displeasure, echoed across the table, notifying him that it would be another normal breakfast.

"Yes, Mother?" Castiel replied, trying his best to sound as polite as possible in an attempt to not anger Naomi.

"Did your alarm clock malfunction this morning or did you decide to indulge yourself with sleep instead of spending time with your family?" She interrogated, an eyebrow raising out of accusation.  He heard his second oldest brother, Lucifer, chuckle, and his other siblings seemed to each crack a smile, except for Gabriel, who simply looked at Castiel with sympathy.

"I am sorry, Mother. It will not happen again," Castiel muttered, hoping that she would accept the apology and let the matter drop.

"You may be least of your siblings, but you could attempt to not be a complete disappointment.  I expect more out of you than this.  After all your father and I have given you, you repay us through being a total embarrassment to the family.  You better start acting better, or your father and I will have to straighten you out some other way," she sighed, clearly pleased with her lecture.

"Yes, Mother.  I will try harder," Castiel said sheepishly as Naomi stood and walked out of the kitchen.  Castiel was relieved that she left it at that, because usually it went much further.  Naomi must be in a generous mood.

As he was getting up to wash his dishes, Castiel heard a laugh from behind him.  He turned to see Lucifer and his eldest brother, Michael, whispering to themselves and laughing.  Castiel caught a few stray words, such as "faggot" and "disappointment," which made it easy to guess who they were talking about.  Castiel turned and left the room, grabbing his books and leaving the house in a hurry to get to school.  The walk to school was not a long one, but he was already running late for the day.

'Why do they have to hate me?' Castiel thought as he was walking.  Sure, his parents and siblings were very religious, but he thought when he told them he was attracted to boys, they would support him.  Instead, they began to treat him as if he was trash, as if he was not good enough to be a member of their perfect little household.  'It's all just so unfair. I didn't do anything to hurt them," Castiel thought.

"Hurt who?" A voice said behind him, alerting Castiel that he may have been talking out loud. 

Castiel turned to see Dean Winchester walking behind him, probably to school as well.  He had everything Castiel could want.  Dean not what you would call popular, but he had many more friends than Castiel did, as well as fantastic good looks and a beautiful car, which made Castiel wonder why he was walking, and not driving it. 

"I thought you had a car," Castiel said, before mentally slapping himself at the slightly rude statement.

Dean chuckled. "I do, but my brother encouraged me to get outside and smell the fresh air, and when Sammy tells me to do something, I usually do it," he laughed again and ran a hand through his hair.

Castiel smiled a little, and Dean returned it.  "Well, maybe I'll catch you on this walk again sometime," Castiel remarked, thinking that Dean would not be the worst friend to have.

"You just might," Dean smiled again, his green eyes sparkling, before walking through the doors to the school.  The conversation had made the walk to school fly by for Castiel.  He watched Dean walk away, probably to his locker, and then walked to his own, getting his books before rushing to first period to endure yet another awful, monotonous day of school.


	2. Dean's POV

Castiel Novak.  Never before had the name meant so much to Dean Winchester, and yet after this morning's little conversation, Dean was entranced by him.  Cas's startlingly blue eyes captivated him, and Dean had to keep himself from staring in to them too long.  And yet, there was something rather sad about the blue-eyed boy today.  Even though Dean had not done any more than admire Cas from afar, he could tell when the boy was down.  Dean wanted nothing more than to stop what was hurting him, even though they had only ever had one full conversation.  Cas captivated Dean, and there was no going back.

Dean ghosted through the first half of the day, and as he was sitting at the table where he always sat to eat at for lunch, he felt a familiar presence behind him, wrapping her arms around him.

"Wanna come over to my house tonight, hot stuff?" Lisa, the girl who had been trying to get with Dean for a month, had been asking him this same question every day for the last two weeks as an attempt at persuasion.  So far, Dean had resisted, but he was starting to consider saying yes just to get her off his tail, and, really, what's the big deal?  It's just sex.

"That depends," he replied, "what are your plans for tonight?"

She laughed, "Oh, just a bit of fun is all."

Alright, so Dean was considering it.  After all, how bad could it be?  Just one night, and all of it would be over.  Plus, it would be nice to get with the hottest girl in school.  And to top it off, Lisa would leave him alone.  So, what the hell. Dean smiled his award-winning smile, saying, "Sure, honey, just let me know what time," and write his number on her hand before walking out of the cafeteria.

 

As he rounded a corner, he saw familiar tousled dark hair sitting against a wall in a deserted hallway.  As Dean got closer, he realized the boy was crying.  He sat next to him and hesitatingly put a hand on Cas's shoulder, unsure of how to comfort someone you've only had one conversation with,  but he was going to try anyway 

"Hey, Cas, what's wrong?  Are you okay?" he asks, actually worried about the guy, but Cas never responds.  He just leans his head on Dean's hand, desperate for comfort, and without thinking, Dean pulls him into a hug. 

"Shh, shh, it's alright.  Everything is going to be okay," Dean says, unsure but trying to comfort him.  Cas grasps onto Dean as if he's never had a hug before, and it sorta breaks his heart.  No one should be so starved of affection that they hug an almost-stranger like this. 

Cas breathes shakily, mumbling between sobs, "It's not...not okay...what's wrong with....with me...I'm sorry....I'm sorry," and it's all Dean can do to not nuzzle his hair and rock him peacefully.  Who has made Cas think his about himself?  Who would be so cruel?

"No, Cas, it's okay.  You don't have to be sorry, and there's nothing wrong with you. Just breathe."

Cas takes a deep breath, and the sobs die down a little, but he is still clutching Dean tightly.  Soon after, as if realizing the situation, Cas releases and look at Dean, confused. 

"You-you don't even know me," he stammers, the pain in his eyes still radiating under the confusion.  Dean does not respond, he just hugs him again, rubbing his shoulder before standing and helping Cas up.

"Don't mention it," he says quietly before giving Cas a little smile and walking off to his locker. 

Dean cannot believe what just happened.  Castiel Novak, a boy he just met this morning, was crying in a school hallway and he _comforted_ him.  First he's going to have sex with Lisa, and now this?  The world was just getting crazier and crazier by the minute.  Dean could not pretend that he did not like Cas in his arms, though.  Something about it felt right.  Or, maybe he was going crazy.  Probably the latter.  Dean shook his head and tried his hardest to forget about it, wandering slowly to his locker to get his books before meandering to his afternoon classes,  his head swimming with the last hour's events.

 

...

 

The rest of the day and the walk home were a blur, nothing able to outshine the happenings of lunch period.  Dean sneaked into the house, knowing that his father would not be home but wanting to be careful nonetheless.  He made his way into his room, threw his backpack into  a chair, and plopped into a chair, his mind reeling over the past day.  He was going over to Lisa Braeden's house tonight to fool around despite his reservations about it, and he was not sure what he was going to do.  He guessed his best bet was to just make sure he had a condom with him when he went over.  He sighed and rolled onto his stomach, clutching his pillow tightly before immediately getting up when he heard a knock at the door.  

 

He opened the door to see Sam, smiling timidly at him, holding a bowl of spaghetti.  Damn kid must have made dinner for him while he was moping in his bed.  Dean mentally slapped himself for being so inconsiderate of his baby brother.  He smiled at him, taking the food and following him down to the kitchen table and sitting down.

 

"Hey, Sammy, I'm going to be going out tonight, and I won't be back until late.  I'm gonna try to sneak out after Dad gets home.  Can you take care of yourself until I get back?" he inquired, genuinely concerned for his little brother.

 

Sam laughed, "It's Sam, Dean.  I'm not a little kid anymore, and I can look after myself just fine, but thanks."  He smiled and continued eating, clearly satisfied with his response, even though he was only in middle school.  Dean laughed and finished his food, putting his dishes in the sink and going back to his room to wait for his father to come home.  

 

It was not long before Dean heard John Winchester enter the house and proceed directly to his room with no regard for his sons.  Drunk, no doubt.  Luckily Dean managed to avoid the violent emotions that usually followed his father in his intoxication.  Dean quietly waited another half an hour before shooting Lisa a quick text:

 

To: Lisa 

**You ready for me to come over?**

_received at 11:48 p.m._

 

To: Dean

    **Born ready.**

_received at 11:52 p.m._

 

That was enough for Dean.  He crept his way out of his window and down the wall to go seal his life away.     


	3. Cas POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: self harm

That night, as Cas lay in bed, he pondered the day's events.  His first two classes had been awful, especially second block, chemistry.  Castiel had single-handedly  managed to break a whole box of test tubes, and even though his teacher said it was alright, he could tell she was disappointed in him.  As soon as he had knocked over the box, the whole class started laughing at him, and he froze, staring at the broken glass littering the floor before hurrying to clean it up.  As usual, no one helped him.  All any of his classmates did was laugh at the pathetic, clumsy screw-up.

Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, opening it and emptying the contents.  Smooth, clear glass littered out, landing on the blanket in a neat, little pile.  He'd managed to pocket some of the broken test tubes before anyone noticed anything.  Somehow, about a week ago, all of his blades had gone missing, so he had been looking for something else to use, and the happening in chemistry was perfect.  Sure, he probably cost the school a lot of money, but he did not really care.  

After class, he was walking to his locker to put books away when he saw it.  "Fag" was painted on his locker in messy, red lettering.  As he walked up to the locker, he could hear people whispering about him and laughing.  He put his books away and ran into the bathroom.

Cas decided not to think about the next part,  but after he left the bathroom, still crying, he slumped against a wall to calm himself when he heard footsteps coming around the corner.  He was too depressed to try to hide himself, so he just curled up so maybe the person would not see who he was.

He did not expect arms to be wrapped around him, or a voice to begin comforting him.  Dean Winchester, a boy whom he had only had one real conversation with, was comforting him.  The thought made Castiel's throat swell up, and tears started to fall.

Castiel scooped the glass into his hand and got out of bed, making his way to the upstairs bathroom of his now quiet house.  He quietly opened and shut the door behind him before standing in front of the bathroom mirror.  He looked at himself for a moment, his face streaked with tears, before pulling up the sleeves on his long-sleeved tee to reveal a bunch of little white lines and some dark red scabs from earlier in the day.  Castiel picked up a piece of the glass, finding a sharp end and bringing it to his already abused left wrist.  He watched the hot, red blood ooze from the shallow cut before making another, and another.  As he went on, they got deeper and deeper, causing more blood to stream out faster.  He switched the glass into his other hand and assumed the process on his other arm, the cuts more shaky from using his non-dominant hand.  

This carried on for a while until Castiel felt the familiar numb drowsiness that he had been aiming for, and he stopped.  He bound up his arms and hid the glass in his special hiding area before going back to his room for some much needed sleep.

 

...

 

Castiel groaned at the sound of his alarm clock, coming way too soon after he had finally fallen asleep.  He wanted to stay in bed, but after yesterday's lecture from Naomi, he elected to quickly hop into the shower.  His wrists stung like hell, but he dealt with it.  The real problem, he realized, was that they had not stopped bleeding.  He would have to wrap them again and then change the wraps at lunch, all with avoiding people seeing him.  That sucks, but he would have to manage.  He checked his watch, and seeing that he was a little early, went downstairs so that he would not anger Naomi with being late again.  

Since he was on time, breakfast was a quiet affair.  No one spoke, only ate and stared at assorted electronic devices.  After getting up and washing his plate,, Castiel went back upstairs to grab his things for school, and stood in from of his mirror for a moment, looking at himself.  The old jeans, black t-shirt, messy hair, and grey hoodie really gave off a depressed-kid vibe., but he guessed that was what he was going for, in a way.  

He quietly left the house and started his walk to school, enjoying the cool fall breeze on his face and the sun on his skin.  He took a few deep breaths with his eyes closed, before a chuckle behind him startled him.  He turned to see the one person he seems to be seeing a lot of recently: Dean.

Dean chuckled, "Walking to school requires actually moving your feet, you know.  Not just standing there with your eyes closed." Dean walked up to him and looked like he was about to say something, but decided against it.  Castiel secretly prayed that he would not bring up what happened yesterday, and he did not.

Castiel then realized that he had been staring at Dean for longer than socially acceptable.   He panicked for a moment and forced out a laugh, saying, "Its a good thing you reminded me.  I thought i was going to be at school soon." Dean laughed, starting to walk towards school, motioning for Cas to walk with him. Cas decided to be brave and ask a question.

"Did you have a nice night?" he asked, feeling lame, but genuinely wanting to talk to Dean.

"Yes, I think I did," he spoke softly, with some hesitation.  Cas saw him look at his feet, pondering the statement, and decided to leave him alone for the rest of the walk.  

As they entered the school together, Dean waved him goodbye and sped to wherever he needed to go, leaving Cas alone to go to his graffiti'd locker.

 

...

 

The first two classes of the day were easy enough to deal with, as Cas drifted through them without saying a word.  At one point he thought someone noticed the bandages wrapping his arms, but they did not say anything and he was relieved.   Once lunch started, Cas went to the bathroom, got into a stall and made sure it was locked and that he was alone and pulled the bandages off his wrists.  He was relieved to see that they had stopped bleeding, and he re-wrapped them before leaving the bathroom, disposing of the soiled bandages, and making his way to the cafeteria.

Cas ducked his head and entered the cafeteria, passing on food but getting a water and sitting in his usual table in the corner of the large room, pulling out a book and starting to read.  When he looked up from his book to take a drink, something caught his eye.  

It was Dean, laughing and appearing to enjoy himself.  It was a pleasant sight, really, and Cas found himself enjoying it, enjoying the happiness of his face.  It was all very nice, until Lisa Braedon walked up.  Cas has always hated her.  She seems stuck up and superficial.  And she draped herself all over Dean.

Before he knew it, Cas found himself sprinting out of the cafeteria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like it! I haven't had much time to write since band camp started, but I got this finished!! Sorry it's so sad, but things will brighten up eventually! Luv you guys <3


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